


Santa’s A Liar

by the_technicolor_whiscash



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Christmas Play, Gen, crow writes another play, family chaos, santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 13:16:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17101289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_technicolor_whiscash/pseuds/the_technicolor_whiscash
Summary: Growler decides that he wants to become better friends with Crow and Servo, and discovers that Crow has written a play. He decides to offer to help.





	Santa’s A Liar

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Feelysonheelys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feelysonheelys/gifts).



> Happy holidays!

Growler and Waverly were more than familiar with the animosity that the older Bots held towards them. Well, namely Servo and Crow. Gypsum was usually pretty kind, and Cambot didn’t really talk, so no one ever knew what he was thinking. He could carry a festering hatred for everyone and everything, and yet no one would know. Harrowing thoughts. 

But Crow and Servo had been quite aggressive ever since Growler and Waverly joined their group. And Growler just couldn’t see why. Sure, he was programmed to always be cheerful, but the more he tried to understand what was going on in the other Bots’ minds, the more he didn’t. So he decided to be as pleasant as he could to them, in an attempt to do what could only be described as killing them with kindness. 

It started with little things. Opening the door for them, grabbing things for Tom since his arms don’t work, helping Crow with his bizarre shenanigans. As that seemed to not be helping, Growler decided to actively participate in things they were doing. Hell, if nothing else, they could become friends by proximity. 

Growler decided to start with Tom, only because he was clearly busy doing something that someone without working arms would not be able to complete. He was currently trying to negotiate with a large pile of fabric, and the fabric wasn’t listening.

“Hiya, Tom. What are you up to?” Growler asked. 

“Trying to make costumes for my Christmas play.” He muttered, grabbing a chunk of red fabric with his mouth and pulling. “I’ve goth ith all thet up, wifth the thewing machine,” he spit the fabric out on a worktable, “but all I’ve managed to make so far is two squares sewed together.”

“I can probably help you, if you want.” 

Tom shook his head. “No way. I can do it. Just give me like, six hours.”

“How many costumes are you making?”

“Ones for all of us. But none for the Mads, they have to make their own. Also, no one knows we’re going to have a Christmas play. I had Crow write it up, and we’re going to spring it on Jonah when he least expects it: at 3 am.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I know humans need a lot of sleep.” 

Tom paused. Then, he sort of shrugged. “Well, I don’t, so I don’t care. It’ll be fun!”

“That’s fair. Can I read the script?”

“Sure. It’s at the end of the table.” 

Growler picked up the script and read through it. It was a rather unconventional Christmas play, focused entirely on how Santa (played by Jonah) is a liar and gives presents to the main characters (Servo and Crow) regardless of whether or not they are actually naughty or nice, and Rudolph (Gypsum) would bring up the fact that Santa and the other reindeer ruthlessly bullied Rudolph until he literally ran away. It was riddled with spelling errors, but overall it was pretty entertaining. There was, however, something missing. 

“Can you include parts for me and Waverly?”

“Ah, you’ll have to ask Crow for that. He’s the brains behind the script.” Tom sat on top of the pedal, and the sewing machine started puttering away. 

“Alright, I’ll do that. Thanks, buddy.”

“No problem. Though I don’t really know what I need thanks for.”

“Kind of a built-in reaction I have for everything.” Growler waved. “Later.”

He then proceeded to Crow’s room, where the gold robot was leaned over a typewriter, slamming away at the keys with his clawed hands. “Morning, Crow.”

“Shh! I’m writing! I need total concentration.”

Growler looked at the paper. It contained nothing but a disjointed combination of muddled letters, with no actual words. “I came to talk to you about the Christmas play.”

“Aw, who let it slip? It was Tom, wasn’t it?” 

“Yep. Anyway, I wanted to know if Waverly and I could have parts in the play.”

“Add in two more characters? Then I’d have to change the whole plot!”

“Just shoehorn us in somewhere. As elves or reindeer or something.”

“I might have room for one more elf, and that would have to go to Waverly, since he’s small. But there’s no room for you.”

Then, Growler got an idea. “How about I do the music for the play?”

“A musical! Yes, that would be brilliant! Nothing says ‘Santa Is A Liar’ like a musical!” Crow quickly put a new piece of paper into his typewriter and started clacking. “So, I want you to make some songs that are loud, proud, and include a lot of insults towards Santa.”

“But I like Santa. He’s nice.” 

“Santa’s a liar. Last week, I lit Jonah on fire, and I know for a fact Santa’s still going to give me presents.”

Growler thought about it for a moment. “How do we know that Santa is even real? Have you ever seen him?”

“Of course Santa’s real! I mean, he showed up when we were watching the Christmas that Almost Wasn’t, so he’s gotta be real!” Crow stood, holding up his fists. “Why wouldn’t he be?”

“I just don’t get how someone who’s supposed to be so jolly and merry would lie to children and robots worldwide.”

Crow froze. Then, his face fell. “My god. You’re right. We should ask Jonah, he probably knows!”

“Good idea.” 

The duo burst into Jonah’s room, scaring him into dropping what he was working on. 

“Jonah!” Crow yelled, “is Santa real?”

Jonah looked shocked. “Of course Santa is real. Why, uh, why would you think that?”

“Because Growler said why would Santa be real if he lied and still gave gifts to naughty children and robots?”

Growler held his hands up. “I mean, if you’ve seen him, then I’m willing to believe he’s real, but it is something to think about.”

Jonah sighed. “The Santa you saw wasn’t really Santa. It was my friend Joel dressed up. But Santa’s as real as you want him to be.”

Crow gasped. “Does that mean Santa isn’t real?”

“I mean… I don’t want to ruin Christmas for you guys. Don’t tell Tom, at least.”

Immediately, Crow ran into the hall, bellowing, “TOM! Santa’s not real!”

“What do you mean, Santa’s not real?” Tom’s voice floated down the hall. “Of course he’s real, we met him.”

“It was Jonah’s friend, lying to us!”

“No way! Did you see his beard?”

“It was fake!”

“Impossible!” Tom flew into the room. “Jonah, tell me he’s lying!”

Jonah looked pale. “Just like I told Crow, Santa is as real as you make of him.”

“Fine, then I say that he’s real, and you can shove it!” Tom flew out the door, his part said. 

“Fine!” Crow yelled. He pointed at Jonah. “You won’t be hearing the end of this.” He then stomped out of the room, presumably back to his writing. 

Jonah gave a sigh of relief. “Phew. I’m glad that’s over with only minor casualties.” 

“Sorry about this whole thing. I was the one who brought it up.” Growler said. 

“Eh, it’s not your fault. They’re two very temperamental robots.”

“Crow’s writing a Christmas play that he plans on surprising you with at three in the morning. I’m doing the music.”

“That sounds like fun. Minus the three in the morning part. Maybe I could talk them in to doing it at a normal time in which I’m awake.”

“Hey, that’s a good idea. We can show it to the Mads.”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to Crow and see what we can work out.”

Growler was happy. This wasn’t quite what he had expected, but he was becoming quite involved in the other Bots’ affairs. It felt like he was really a part of some odd family. 

————————

“Welcome, all!” Said Tom, dressed in a Victorian coat, cravate, and a top hat. “To our very special Christmas spectacular!”

Max clapped onscreen. “Oh yes, I love these things!” He was punched in the arm by Kinga and fell into silence. 

“Our cast is Crow, as Naughty Child #1!”

Crow, in a similar outfit, waved excitedly. 

“Gypsum, as Mrs Claus!” 

Gypsum had a stuffed body dressed as Mrs Claus hanging from her, and was smiling excitedly. 

“M. Waverly, as Elf #1.”

“Hey-yo!” Waverly, dressed in a green and red outfit with fake pointed ears, exclaimed. 

“Jonah, as the man himself!”

Jonah, dressed as Santa, replete with a long fake beard, looking slightly sleep-deprived, gave a deep “Ho-ho-ho!”

“Growler, on the piano!” 

Growler tapped out a happy tune on his instrument. 

“And me, Tom Servo, as the narrator, and as Naughty Child #2. Welcome, to our production of a Crow T Robot original play, ‘Santa Is A Liar!’”

The lights dimmed. A spotlight shown on Crow, and the music began. 

“All I want for Christmas is… destruction!” Crow yelled, hitting a little wooden house made of toothpicks with a baseball bat. The structure, upon breaking apart, caught on fire. “Haha! I’m just a little gremlin child!”

A light shone on Tom. There was a fake wall behind him, and he had a spray paint can taped to his arm. “Vandalism is fun! Screw the authorities!”

M. Waverly appeared from below. “Naughty children! Naughty children! I must tell Santa!” 

The spotlights went out. The music changed to a Christmasy tune. 

A light shone on Jonah, who was pretending to write a list on a piece of paper that had NAUGHTY and NICE written on the top. “My my my. So many good children this year. I might run out of presents!”

“Santa! Santa! You must hear!” Waverly exclaimed, coming in to the light. “Some boys were being naughty!”

“My my, what have they done?”

“I saw one destroying property, and one committing vandalism!”

“Hmm. That is naughty.”

Gypsum descended from the ceiling. “Mr Santa, you know what they say. You better be good for goodness sake.”

“You’re right. But how bad is it really?”

“Something caught fire.” Waverly said. “It was bad.”

“Well, I’m going to give them gifts anyway.”

“But why? They were naughty!” Asked Gypsum. 

“That doesn’t matter. It’s Christmas! Everyone should get gifts. Even the terrible kids.”

“But they should be punished! Isn’t that the whole thing, that kids who are nice get gifts and kids who are nothing get jack squat?”

“I figured I would switch things up for these two children specifically. Because I’m Santa, so I make the rules.”

The lights went out again. The music picked up. Then, a wide spotlight shone on all the performers. 

“At Christmas time,” Jonah began singing, “one thing is for sure.” 

Everyone joined in for the chorus. “Santa is the one who makes the rules, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Tom hovered forward. “Yes, for so long as Christmas is celebrated, one can never forget: Santa has godlike powers which allow him to do as he pleases, so even if you’re naughty, Santa doesn’t care.”

The Mads began to clap. The stars of the show took hands and bowed as well as they were able to. 

“That was beautiful.” Max said, a tear coming to his eye. 

“Bravo!” Said Kinga. 

The performers took another bow. 

“Join us next time in Mystery Science Theater Theater,” concluded Tom, “for when we psychoanalyze the Easter bunny!”

**Author's Note:**

> I love Crow’s plays


End file.
